my makeup philosophy
as people may or may not know by now, i consider myself a makeup enthusiast. it's a hobby that i am quite passionate about - a special interest - but it is a complicated subject. the makeup industry profits off the insecurities and beauty standards enforced primarily on women. nearly everyone i have known in my life has rejected it as an act of defiance against the pressures of their society, and in pursuit of self-acceptance. i fully support anyone and everyone who does.
so... if that is the case, what do i find so fulfilling and meaningful about it? why do i willingly engage with makeup?
first off: i am not, and never will be, interested in approaching makeup from a "flattering" perspective. rather, i find it interesting to look at it from an artistic point of view - what color choices and textures do i pick to achieve the effect i am looking for?
when i was younger, i was honestly pretty disinterested in makeup and fashion trends. i found it alienating; i did not fit in with what was popular among the youth of my assigned gender. and i think i knew that it was a futile effort to even attempt fitting in. no, i knew i was a little weirdo who felt infinitely more comfortable hiding behind a computer screen.
but there was one day where i was at the local drugstore, and i made a shortcut through the makeup section to get to the pharmacy. something caught my eye. it was a display of eyeshadow quads, all featuring different color palettes. and i stopped for a moment, curious about the color combinations. color theory was already a pretty big interest of mine at that point; i had been doing a ton of limited color palette drawing exercises, and the quads on display reminded me of the palettes i'd use for practice.
i was fascinated by what i saw... burnt orange tones paired with a bright greenish-teal, for a complementary accent. analogous color schemes shifting from a dark, inky blue, to sapphire blue, to vibrant turquoise, to icy silver. emerald greens with muted light golds! dark purples with muted, lighter pinks! i thought makeup was for people who wanted to just look pretty to other people. i didn't realize that the colors could be interesting.
it took me a long time to work through my own internalized feelings about gender presentation, expectations, what other people might think of me if they saw me wearing makeup, etc. for years, i felt ashamed of my desire to decorate myself - was that vain? are people going to think i'm a stupid ditz because i wanted to do more than the bare minimum for my appearance?
plus, actually LEARNING how to pick out and put on makeup was incredibly intimidating... i didn't want to just follow whatever other people thought was "attractive". trying to find resources online was difficult and deeply alienating. and the idea of going somewhere in person?? talking to a real live person, face to face?! no thank you. i just shyly looked from afar and picked up a few things here and there...
at some point, i stumbled blogs that focused on makeup from different perspectives than the mainstream, and a few makeup communities on reddit. it was really meaningful to me to hear other people talk about it closer to an art medium, rather than an obligation to fulfill. people were sharing their favorite colors and formulas, application tips, ways to build your own custom eyeshadow palettes - it was all so exciting to me!
there were still problems with these communities, as i'm sure anyone who has been in any niche hobbyist circle can attest to. i haven't posted on reddit in years, and i avoid social media (IG/tiktok/etc) like the plague. these days, i mostly hide in a closed discord server with populated with other enthusiasts who feel similarly to me.
to this day, makeup remains very dear to my heart. i am perfectly comfortable with my bare face, and i do not pressure myself to wear makeup if i don't feel interested in it on any given day.
but as i've gotten older and found myself grappling with disability, makeup has remained in my life as a way to feel connected to my body. it's easy for me to feel resentful of my body, now that i have to manage chronic pain and other conditions. but when i take the time to decorate myself, it feels like i am taking back control... it gives me a sense of agency. i love the days where i wake up and think to myself, "what colors do i want to play with today?" and start rummaging around my makeup drawers, eager to start painting my face.